Let Me Be Myself...

It's 2012. How did I start off the new year?

Feeling like a complete idiot...

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of personality disorder or something.

I get nervous. Nervous to the point where my brain stops functioning.  I become this anti-social mess who looks like she doesn't even have any personality at all.  I hate that this happens to me.

I grew up so painfully shy. It's something I've worked on for as long as I can remember. For the most part, I have it under control. Then comes along certain situations where.. I guess I just can't handle it. 

I get weird. I swear people around me must think I'm either crazy, bored, or too stuck up to talk to them. And no matter how hard I try, once it happens, I can't make it stop. I can't get myself to talk. I can't get myself to say anything. I can't turn on the witty, sarcastic personality I normally have. 

So I sit in the corner and watch everyone else have a good time while, in my mind, I'm searching for a way to release myself from this box I'm trapped in. 

I guess I just have to work at it harder because, I absolutely, 100% hate the fact that this happens. 

So, as I strive to make many changes this year, I'm confident that one of them HAS to happen. I can no longer continue to live in this socially awkward box when I am put into certain situations. 

This year, I need to learn how to be myself and be comfortable with it, in any situation. 

Here goes nothin....

Tangled up in you. :)

You're my world.

The shelter from the rain.

You're the pills,

that take away my pain.

You're the light, that helps me find my way.

You're the words when I have nothing to say.

And in this world where nothing else is true.

Here I am, still tangled up in you.

I'm still tangled up in you.

Still tangled up in you.

You're the fire,

that warms me when I'm cold.

You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old.

You're the shore when I am lost at sea.

You're the only thing that I like about me.

And in this world where nothing else is true.

Here I am, still tangled up in you.

I'm still tangled up in you.

How long has it been since this story line began? 

And I hope it never ends and goes like this forever.

In this world where nothing else is true.

Here I am, still tangled up in you.

I'm still tangled up in you.

Still tangled up in you.

:(

I have quickly decided I need to stop getting on ksl.com.

I keep finding beautiful pianos I want to buy... :(

I don't want to come back down from this cloud. =)

"I don't want to come back down from this cloud.  It's taken me all this time to find out what I need."

Pretty sure i haven't felt this alive in a while.  Don't ask me why, there isn't an explination.

I woke up early this morning, not knowing what to expect from the day.  Yet, things seem to be falling into place just perfectly. 

I think I finally know what I need in life, who I need, what I want, and where I want to go.  It's taken me long enough to realize everything that was always right in front of me.

So, I don't want to come back down from this cloud. It's taken me ALL this time to find out what I need.

Did I mention how happy I am? =)

 

Tonight.

This time of year always gets to me.  I don't know what it is about fall/winter, but it makes my heart ache.  Not in a bad way... it's more of an "I'm overtaken by the beauty of it all" kind of ache. The kind of ache that I can't make go away until summer comes again.  But I don't mind it, although, sometimes it's hard to deal with such a strong feeling. 

It starts with the rain. Don't ask me why, but I have always loved the rain.  The smell of it, the feeling of it on your skin, the pure artistic way it falls. To others it just may seem like a whole lot of wet getting in the way of a good hair day... but to me.. it's a heck of a lot more. 

Slowly the rain turns to snow.  I don't know if I've seen anything more beautiful than snow falling on a calm winter day. Simply put, it's amazing.  And the way it makes me feel is impossible to describe.  

So tonight, as the rain falls and brings with it those cold gusts of wind, my heart aches.

This morning I woke up to the sound of my own heart beating at 4:05am.  I lay there, motionless, consumed by my own thoughts. I guess I've had a lot to think about lately.  I keep making these dumb decisions that, in the end, i totally regret.  Sometimes I just wish I could go back to the me I used to know.  The me that knew what she wanted in life and wasn't afraid to go after it.  

Today, everything is going to change. 

I'm going to make it happen.

I'm going to fight for myself.

I'm going to love who I am.

I'm going to strive to be better.

Just plain great.

Amazing days seem to be very few and far between.. but today was an exception.

It wasn't necessarily one specific thing.  I think it was more-so a collection of moments that combined to form a great day.

There's not really much else I can say about it.. other than.. I'm Happy.=) 

A single instrument.

It's about 1000 degrees inside my chest right now.  I'm afraid if it doesn't go away, I'm going to catch on fire.

When alone, on a casual drive, I whisper to myself words of meaning.  Words that softly form together to create a steady flow of emotion.  I then sing them aloud, adding a melody that was once absent. To this melody I add a steady beat against the steering wheel... and on and on it goes.

I'm afraid to say, every time I drive alone, this happens. Yet, this song is forgotten almost as quickly as it came to be.  It's just not the same. No matter how hard I try to create and remember something meaningful, it passes by without giving me a chance to fully collect each word that was said. 

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is.. I miss the piano. When I have a piano, I can sit down for hours and carefully contemplate each word that appears in my mind.  I can then turn to those beautiful white keys and create something even more powerful than those words can express. Who knew a single instrument could mean so much.

Procrastination.

Sometimes I wonder why I put such important things off until the very last minute. I mean..right now I'm so frustrated. But you know what? It's my own dang fault. I've waited and waited and waited. I'm constantly saying to myself, I'll get to it. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll be better next time. Well, right now, I probably feel the worst I've felt in a really long time. I don't remember when the last time I actually broke down was... but tonight, I realized a lot, and it really hurts.

This is my promise to myself. Right here, right now. I'm going to be better. I'm going to stop procrastinating. I'm going to finally love myself and do what is right for me.

I know this is probably the millionth time I've said this, but It's the LAST.

Here we go...

And then there was a book....

As some of whoever of you out there who read my blog may know, I've been illustrating a BOOK!

Yep, that's right, a book. It's legitimate. =)  So yesterday, I completely finished all the illustrations, which to me is REALLY exciting. I have been working countless hours on them for the past 2 months or so.  You might think it's a breeze, but it's a lot of hard work. Coloring can get tiring! haha.

I just wanted to post a sneak preview of said book.  It's a wonderful story about a boy named David and his Christmas Tree.  

The book will be on sale later this year, so you guys better buy it! I'm serious. =)

Love.

Riddle me this.

This is one thing that has confused me for a while now...  

How can you, in one setting, talk to someone so much and 'act' like you really like them and enjoy their company, and then, when the settings change, ignore this same person and not talk to them at all?

Maybe it's just me....

If anyone has the answer to this, please let me know. It's one of the most frustrating, annoying, heart-wrenching things ever.

Moving on...

So...guess who got to play the piano yesterday? =)

It was probably one of the best feelings I've had in a while. 

Think of it like..... 

You have a best friend, and you haven't been able to see this best friend for a really, really, really, long time. You miss them dearly and the reunion when you finally get to see each other, is absolutely amazing. That is how I felt last night.  The piano helps me express emotions that I feel are bottled up inside. It, in a way, befriends me, and is able to make my problems seem less important, and the light seem a little bit brighter. I seriously could not love an inanimate object as much as a piano. =)

Speaking of... I am taking donations so I can buy myself a piano. Who wants to keep the music alive? ;)

That's life.

Why hello there.

Today, I'm alive. I'm here. 

My eyes are wide open and ready to experience the world.

I don't know what's changed in me today, but something has definitely changed. 

I woke up feeling... ready. Ready to take on everything that comes at me.

Don't get me wrong... those feeling.. those problems.. they are still there.  I guess I'm just trying to look at things differently.  If it was meant to be, it would have happened...and it didn't. It sucks, but that's life, right?

That's That.

Amidst all the depressing posts, I would like to point out.. I'm not a depressed person at all.  I'm actually quite happy and content, thank you very much. =)

I guess I just write about what i feel... and what I feel isn't happiness all the time.  When I write.. I like to go deeper into things and pull out my true emotions. So.. while happiness is on the surface.. sadness and frustration lurks on the inside.

How is today you ask? Today I woke up feeling.. indifferent.  I'm not sure what's going on in that good 'ol heart of mine...  All I know is I'm trying really hard not to care as much as I do.  I've come to the conclusion that I get really attached to people really easily. You might think that's a good thing.. but it's not.  I care too much, and too deeply, which just sets me up to get hurt in the end.  But you know what? As of right now I'm working on it.  I'm going to change. I know it sounds dumb that I'm trying to care less... but if that's what it takes for me to protect myself.. that's what I've got to do.

Unless.. people start caring just as much as I do. Which, sadly, I have a feeling Isn't going to happen.

All in all, if you're reading this, I want you to know...

When I'm your friend, I plan on being a true friend. You can count on me for anything. I'm not going to only remember you when it's convenient, I'm going to remember you always. 

That is one thing that will never change.

My ability to let go.. that's what needs to be altered. I need to realize when things are over.. and move on.

That's that.

Counting on it...

Sometimes I feel like I'm weird..

Kind of like.. people don't understand my intentions for doing something?

Maybe it's because I'm very open and tend to say what's on my mind...

Or maybe it's because I say too much... express a little bit more than I should..

Gahh.. I don't know.

All I know.. is that this is something I need to change. I need to step back and let things happen the way they are supposed to.. because right now... me putting a step forward is bringing me 12 steps back... 

Someday.. things will go my way.  Someday everything is finally going to fall into place.  I'm counting on it...

Story of my life...

Question. 
Do you ever have that feeling where you 'heart hurts'? Like...Legitimately hurts.
It happens when.. you miss someone so unbearably much... or someone close to you is leaving your life forever... or your heart is just aching for something more.
Today, my heart hurts.


I'm sitting here, and I'm not sad.. ok well kind of...but not really sad. The only thing that's bothering me is this burning in my chest. No matter what I do, or tell myself, I can't get it to go away. I don't think my mind is doing a very good job communicating things to my heart. My heart is still longing for something.. hoping something is going to happen, when my mind already knows it's not. 

Story of my life.. haha

But it's whatever. I know I'll move on quick. It's just a matter of getting my stupid heart to stop hurting...

You only live ONCE.

Time is running out..and I'm too afraid to do anything about it. Each second that ticks by is a moment of hope lost. Yet.. I sit here... too scared, too nervous, too worried to do anything about it.

The moral to this story? Get out there and get what you want. GO for it. You only live once, right? 

Was it even worth it?

Today has been a little back and forth.. emotionally speaking. It's been a fairly good day. I've had some good laughs, worked hard, spent some time with some good people. But.. inside, my heart is crying. When I sit in silence, alone, my mind wanders back to happier times when the friendships I had were stronger, the people I felt I could count on were more numerous, and the hope in my heart was a little bit higher. 

It's like this...

I know it's my fault. I know I made this happen, but I thought I was making the best decision. Like I've said before, I'm tired of putting everyone before myself, and getting hurt because of it in the end. This last time.. I think things just went a little too far for me. Even though it hurts so unbearably much right now, I have a feeling it would hurt a little bit more if I would have let things continue on the way they were going. I know this hurt will subside.. at least I'm hoping it will. It's just tough when you put your everything into someone, and in the end, you have to ask yourself if it was even worth it...

That's what friends are for.

You're sitting on a wooden chair in the corner of a dark room. You are alone. You can see shadows of many people moving around you, but their faces are hidden. You try to talk to them. They cannot hear you. It's as if there is a veil and you are trapped inside the unknown. 

Frantically searching for some sign of real, human life, you begin to run. The shadows don't pay any attention. No matter how fast you move, or how hard you try, they continue on, moving around you like you're not even there.

Suddenly, you notice a small glimmer of color in the blackness of the shadows. You are drawn towards it. Taking a closer look, you realize it is one of the shadows, but this shadow is not completely hidden. You can faintly see the outline of their facial features. You begin to talk to them. They hear you.

Slowly, their shadow-like appearance fades and they are normal, just like you. A big grin stretches across their face. 

You realize that you were not the one that was trapped, but it's the others that are. This person, who is now in full color like you, is now free. The rest of the shadows, they still need someone to help them. They still need, a friend.

Next time you are feeling down on yourself, thinking that nobody cares or knows what you're going through, just think of the shadows. Remember that everyone has their own personal struggles, and just a little glimmer of color and hope can help to make anyone's day better. That's what friends are for.

 

For Whatever The Reason.

For whatever the reason. Yes, yes, I know this is the URL for my blog. At first, when I decided to call it that, I didn't necessarily have a reason in mind. It was just one of those things that 'came' to me. Haha. The more I think about it, the more I realize how significant it is.

For whatever the reason, people.....

-Make a wrong choice

-Fall in love

-Hurt someone

-Laugh at something

-Start something new

-Take an adventure

-Push someone aside

-Lose a best friend

-Change their life goal

-Say hurtful words

-Let someone know they care

I could literally go on forever. For some reason, whatever it may be, people do these things. They make these choices. They say those words. Only THEY truly know why.

Disappointed...

I often keep to myself. I grew up being painfully shy, so for me, letting people in isn't necessarily an easy thing to do. I've come to learn that, though you may think you know people, they can surprise you, and not always in a good way.  

It's when I decide to put my full trust in someone, and they turn around and let me down, that my faith in others waivers. I wish it wasn't like this, but it is. Sometimes I just can't grasp why people make the decisions they do. Why others chose to so painfully hurt those that are close to them.

I'm not going to say everything is fine because I'm so often disappointed. I try to hide that bothersome pain that never seems to subside, but you can only put on a facade for so long. I'm so tired of letting things go. I'm over being the nice one who always strives to be such a great friend. I'm just plain exhausted. 

From now on, I'm going to stick up for myself.  Just because I love you as a person, and have been so close with you for so long, doesn't mean my life revolves around making you feel good about yourself. It's time I focus on my own happiness. It's time I realize exactly who is worth my time. It's time I asked myself, DO you really care? 

To be honest, I hope you do. I've cared for too long to let this all go.

Dreams. Reality?

Imagine a pitch black background. Everything around you is black.  It's like the ultimate black hole. 

There is a row of blocks. (6, maybe 7.)  One by one the blocks start falling downward into the blackness. At first starting off slow, and then progressively getting faster. You try to retrieve the blocks to re-attach them, but you are unable to do so quick enough.  As soon as the last block falls, you are shaken awake.  Inside, you feel like you're somehow not as alive as you were before. Like this was death and you came very close to it before you were able to wake up.

This was my childhood nightmare. I always knew it was a dream, but to me, it felt so real.

Who am I?

I'm shy. I stumble over my words. I'm stumble over myself. I have a temper. I take things for granted. I spend money on dumb things. I love to read, but don't have enough patience to read a book. I care too much what other people think. I hate being alone. I don't like big crowds. I love to sing, but sometimes probably shouldn't do so out loud. I stay up too late. I'm addicted to the internet. I rarely get a good nights sleep. I watch too many movies. I laugh really loud. I scream when I sneeze. I love having a good song stuck in my head. I know I'm smart, but when I try to prove it I end up sounding really dumb. I don't apply myself enough. I give up too easily on certain things. I have a fear of heights. I don't like Brussels sprouts. I expect more out of people than should be expected. I love rainy days. I'm insecure. I may say I'm not homesick, but I am. I try to be a good friend. When I say I care, I mean it. I'm sarcastic. I'm trustworthy. I'm honest. I'm me.

You're Enough

Written for no particular reason other than to write a song. 

It has yet to be named. =)

It feels like I can't breathe. I'm stuck inside my own alternate reality.

I'd rather live this life in a dream. It's been far too long and I see you every time I fall asleep. 

The wind sails across an untouched sea. The seasons are changing ever so slowly.

I don't know how much longer I can be. Before I crumble under wonder of this separations mystery.

I am all that I can ever be. And i'm opening my heart for you to take me.

So, please don't leave me in the dark. For years and years it's been raining so hard.

And i'm not asking for much. I just wanna hear those words, you're enough.

When darkness falls I feel at ease. Those calming nights they have saved me.

But every moment I feel painfully lonely..

I am all that I can ever be. And i'm opening my heart for you to take me.

So, please don't leave me in the dark. For years and years it's been raining so hard.

And i'm not asking for much. I just wanna hear those words, you're enough.

Please don't leave me in the dark. For years and years it's been raining so hard.

And i'm not asking for much. I just wanna hear those words, you're enough.

Animate Life

In High School I never felt the desire to take an art class. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I knew I loved to draw...but I guess drawing on my own felt like it was good enough and I didn't need any instruction. 

Now, I WANT to take an art class. I WANT to learn everything there is to know.  I feel like art is like music.  It's an amazing way to express yourself.  

I do these cartoon drawings that are called Animate Life By Megan.  It started a really, really, really long time ago.  I would draw comics in high school about my friends.  The people I drew started out all looking the same.. and they were all bald. (haha)  These drawings have evolved to look more and more like the people I was drawing them after. 
 

One day, I bought a binder to keep all of my drawings in.  I felt this binder needed a cover page, so I went ahead and started drawing one.  After I had drawn the people, it felt like there was something missing.  It needed a name! The words literally were written before I even had time to think about if I even liked the name.  Animate Life.  It seemed to work! These drawings are me. They are my friends. They are my family.  I realized that I draw reality in the form of a cartoon. I ANIMATE real life.

If nothing else goes the way I want it to in life, I just hope and pray something can come of these drawings.  Drawing is a form of expression, and I feel like I put my heart and soul into each new character I create. =)

Write Something

A while ago, I found myself on StumbleUpon browsing through the many random websites it has to offer, when I came upon one that caught my eye.  It was called "Write Something."  A website that urges you to WRITE, not THINK.  I soon fell in love with this.  What better way to get out exactly what you are thinking than to write absolutely whatever is on your mind? No consequences. It's anonymous.I found myself posting page after page of random thoughts that had been trapped inside my mind.Strangely, it made me feel a lot better. =)

www.writesomething.net

Go. Write. Don't think, just do.

For the LOVE of music...

One day I want to fall in love with someone like I've fallen in love with music.

My first and only true love (at the moment) is music.  It's the kind of love that I can't verbally describe.  Something that can't be put into words.

It's like this...

Picture the most perfect day.  You're standing outside breathing in the fresh, warm summer air. The sun is beaming down brilliant rays of warmth. A light breeze calmly brushes against your skin. You feel excited for no particular reason. You feel alive, more alive than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Imagine that times 100.

Did that just blow your mind? Impossible to even imagine how good of a feeling that is, right?

THAT'S how I feel about music.  It helps me get through every challenge, heartache, and day, good or bad.

If I can feel this strongly about words and sounds, I can only imagine how amazing it would be to feel this way about another human being.

I want to be able to listen to this song and feel this way when I finally fall in love. =)