--

I make every decision based upon the happiness of others.

But being nice only gets you so far.

and what's left is just a miserable feeling.

If Only for a Moment...

I've only truly loved once.

I wish I could say my life has been full of love

and relationships

and random spontaneous moments. 

But it hasn't been.

There has only been one person I've ever truly loved,

and I loved him for reasons unknown to me.

I can remember small, insignificant details of when we were together.

The way he laughed when I said something dumb.

The way he walked toward me when we were seeing each other for the first time in a while.

The way his voice got soft when I told him I couldn't love him,

even though, deep in my heart, I knew I already did.

I still, to this day wonder what might have been.

I sit alone painfully wishing I could go back,

if only for a moment.

 

Best Friend.

Why are friends so few and far between?

Why can't I go back to having a best friend?

The kind of friend that wants to do everything with you

and would do anything for you.

The kind of friend that would go out of their way to make you happy.

The kind of friend you can count on for anything.

I miss having that.

I miss having someone to turn to.

I miss not feeling alone all the time.

 

Lost...

I honestly don't know who I am anymore.

Or what I'm even doing here.

I'm constantly hoping that, if I keep my chin up, everything will turn out ok.

That all the things I'm working so hard for will just roll along.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy again.

But the clock keeps ticking away.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

My life passes me by.

And all I'm doing is sitting here hoping and praying that I can find happiness and joy in life again someday.

But it doesn't seem to come.

So I continue to pretend that I'm ok.

I pretend that I'm happy

and that life is good

and that I don't cry myself to sleep every night because I'm disappointing myself more than I could ever dream of.

I just keep pretending.

Day after day.

Year after year.

But, when will my life be mine?

When will I be able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm truly happy?

I guess in the mess of it all,

I just forgot how to be myself. 

And now, I'm so far lost... I don't know if I can ever get me back.

To feel wanted.

What do I want?

 

I want to wake up one morning and know that I'm loved

rather than constantly wonder who actually cares.

 

I want to be the one people want to be around.

Not the person who never quite feels accepted.

 

I want to have a family

that loves me

and visits me 

and wants to be around me.

 

I want to be done

with lonely nights at home.

Nights of being scared and depressed and sad. 

 

I want it to end.

All anyone wants

is to feel wanted.

 

 

 

 

I want to feel wanted.

I am myself.

I'm ugly

and dumb.

I'm alone

and awkward

and hated.

I am unsuccessful.

I'm not worth anything.

I should just give up. 
 

Every day.

Every single day

that's what I'm told to believe.

It's almost as if you have to be perfect

to be accepted.

But that's laughable.

Because honestly, who is perfect?

No one.

Not one person on this planet is perfect.

But all of us "ordinary" people are put down

or laughed at

or scrutinized 

because we don't look

or talk

or breathe like the rest of society thinks we should.

I'm sorry I'm not who everyone else wants me to be.

I am myself.

I am unique.

There is no one like me.

and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks,

because that is EXACTLY who I want to be.  

I'm beautiful
and smart.

I'm awkward

and loved.

I am successful.

I'm worth more than I know.

I will never give up.
 

                 

I've tried. I'm done.

I hate this.

I hate dealing with constant disappointment.

Every aspect of my pathetic life is me trying to be better

and getting shut down

or failing.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I can only try so hard

and so much

before I can't try any more.

I'm almost ready to give up.

I'm sorry I don't know enough
and I'm not smart enough.

But one thing I know is
I sure as hell try hard enough.
 

So when is trying going to get me anywhere?
Because so far, all I have to show for what I've done
is a great big pile of nothing.    

I'm scared.

I thought I was fine,

But it’s funny how a simple dream can change the way you feel.

I’m scared

And alone

And feeling vulnerable.

I miss that feeling of being safe

And loved

And together.

And no matter how much hope I’ve had in the past,

It seems this life I live doesn’t change

And you don’t look at me any differently than you did one year ago

But I still sit here

Pathetically hoping for something more

Because I need something to look forward to.

I need someone to believe in.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to be better.

I'm trying to be happier

and more accepting,

and more tolerant.

I'm trying to love.

Trying to love myself.

I'm trying to find the good in things and not just look at the bad.

I'm trying to be strong.

I'm trying to brave.

To have faith,

and dream big

and have hope.

What more can I ask for?

All I can say is...

I'm trying.

 

Life.

I'm scared.

Scared that one day I'm going to end up looking back at my life and wish I would have taken more chances,

Or maybe I'll wish I wouldn't have taken as many chances.

Scared that I'm not going to be happy with the person I'll be

Or have been

Or was.

We live life in the present

but we don't understand it until it has passed

 I look back and wonder why I did certain things.

What filled me with complete and utter stupidity.

But I also look back and wish I would have done more.

I wish I would have cared more

loved more

hoped for more

and tried harder.

I guess that's just how it all works.

No one is perfect.

I'm not going to follow through with everything I hope to do

and I'm going to do things I regret.

That's life.
Crazy, beautiful, unpredictable,

life.

Past.

My memories are haunting.

I almost feel like those years of my life are not my own.

Like I'm simply remembering someone else's experiences.

Every time I think about it

I think, "That couldn't have possibly happened to me."

But the thing is, it did.

It did happen to me.

These memories?

They are mine.

No matter how much I try to forget.

Or how hard I wish they weren't there.

Each event is a part of my past.

 

 

Happiness, Love, Accomplishment, Success.

Who knew the memory could be so faint?

That the existence of us seems so unbelievably small

it's like it never happened.

And here I am, exactly one year later.

Looking back on the distant memory of "what might have been."

I can assure you one thing...

I want this year to be different.

I want to live a year full of accomplishment

a year with no regrets

a year of happiness.

This is a year for me and me alone.

I want to be a better me,

a happier me,

a stronger me.

I don't want my thoughts and feelings to weigh so heavily upon the judgments of others.

I don't want to wish for something that I thought I wanted.

I'm not going to hold back

or cower away from something I want because it scares me.

I'm going to go after it

so that I can look back and think

"Yes, I did that."

and that's that.

That's how it's going to be.

No excuses.

No regrets.

Just happiness, love, accomplishment, and success.