A single instrument.

It's about 1000 degrees inside my chest right now.  I'm afraid if it doesn't go away, I'm going to catch on fire.

When alone, on a casual drive, I whisper to myself words of meaning.  Words that softly form together to create a steady flow of emotion.  I then sing them aloud, adding a melody that was once absent. To this melody I add a steady beat against the steering wheel... and on and on it goes.

I'm afraid to say, every time I drive alone, this happens. Yet, this song is forgotten almost as quickly as it came to be.  It's just not the same. No matter how hard I try to create and remember something meaningful, it passes by without giving me a chance to fully collect each word that was said. 

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is.. I miss the piano. When I have a piano, I can sit down for hours and carefully contemplate each word that appears in my mind.  I can then turn to those beautiful white keys and create something even more powerful than those words can express. Who knew a single instrument could mean so much.

Procrastination.

Sometimes I wonder why I put such important things off until the very last minute. I mean..right now I'm so frustrated. But you know what? It's my own dang fault. I've waited and waited and waited. I'm constantly saying to myself, I'll get to it. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll be better next time. Well, right now, I probably feel the worst I've felt in a really long time. I don't remember when the last time I actually broke down was... but tonight, I realized a lot, and it really hurts.

This is my promise to myself. Right here, right now. I'm going to be better. I'm going to stop procrastinating. I'm going to finally love myself and do what is right for me.

I know this is probably the millionth time I've said this, but It's the LAST.

Here we go...

And then there was a book....

As some of whoever of you out there who read my blog may know, I've been illustrating a BOOK!

Yep, that's right, a book. It's legitimate. =)  So yesterday, I completely finished all the illustrations, which to me is REALLY exciting. I have been working countless hours on them for the past 2 months or so.  You might think it's a breeze, but it's a lot of hard work. Coloring can get tiring! haha.

I just wanted to post a sneak preview of said book.  It's a wonderful story about a boy named David and his Christmas Tree.  

The book will be on sale later this year, so you guys better buy it! I'm serious. =)

Love.

Riddle me this.

This is one thing that has confused me for a while now...  

How can you, in one setting, talk to someone so much and 'act' like you really like them and enjoy their company, and then, when the settings change, ignore this same person and not talk to them at all?

Maybe it's just me....

If anyone has the answer to this, please let me know. It's one of the most frustrating, annoying, heart-wrenching things ever.

Moving on...

So...guess who got to play the piano yesterday? =)

It was probably one of the best feelings I've had in a while. 

Think of it like..... 

You have a best friend, and you haven't been able to see this best friend for a really, really, really, long time. You miss them dearly and the reunion when you finally get to see each other, is absolutely amazing. That is how I felt last night.  The piano helps me express emotions that I feel are bottled up inside. It, in a way, befriends me, and is able to make my problems seem less important, and the light seem a little bit brighter. I seriously could not love an inanimate object as much as a piano. =)

Speaking of... I am taking donations so I can buy myself a piano. Who wants to keep the music alive? ;)

That's life.

Why hello there.

Today, I'm alive. I'm here. 

My eyes are wide open and ready to experience the world.

I don't know what's changed in me today, but something has definitely changed. 

I woke up feeling... ready. Ready to take on everything that comes at me.

Don't get me wrong... those feeling.. those problems.. they are still there.  I guess I'm just trying to look at things differently.  If it was meant to be, it would have happened...and it didn't. It sucks, but that's life, right?

That's That.

Amidst all the depressing posts, I would like to point out.. I'm not a depressed person at all.  I'm actually quite happy and content, thank you very much. =)

I guess I just write about what i feel... and what I feel isn't happiness all the time.  When I write.. I like to go deeper into things and pull out my true emotions. So.. while happiness is on the surface.. sadness and frustration lurks on the inside.

How is today you ask? Today I woke up feeling.. indifferent.  I'm not sure what's going on in that good 'ol heart of mine...  All I know is I'm trying really hard not to care as much as I do.  I've come to the conclusion that I get really attached to people really easily. You might think that's a good thing.. but it's not.  I care too much, and too deeply, which just sets me up to get hurt in the end.  But you know what? As of right now I'm working on it.  I'm going to change. I know it sounds dumb that I'm trying to care less... but if that's what it takes for me to protect myself.. that's what I've got to do.

Unless.. people start caring just as much as I do. Which, sadly, I have a feeling Isn't going to happen.

All in all, if you're reading this, I want you to know...

When I'm your friend, I plan on being a true friend. You can count on me for anything. I'm not going to only remember you when it's convenient, I'm going to remember you always. 

That is one thing that will never change.

My ability to let go.. that's what needs to be altered. I need to realize when things are over.. and move on.

That's that.

Counting on it...

Sometimes I feel like I'm weird..

Kind of like.. people don't understand my intentions for doing something?

Maybe it's because I'm very open and tend to say what's on my mind...

Or maybe it's because I say too much... express a little bit more than I should..

Gahh.. I don't know.

All I know.. is that this is something I need to change. I need to step back and let things happen the way they are supposed to.. because right now... me putting a step forward is bringing me 12 steps back... 

Someday.. things will go my way.  Someday everything is finally going to fall into place.  I'm counting on it...

Story of my life...

Question. 
Do you ever have that feeling where you 'heart hurts'? Like...Legitimately hurts.
It happens when.. you miss someone so unbearably much... or someone close to you is leaving your life forever... or your heart is just aching for something more.
Today, my heart hurts.


I'm sitting here, and I'm not sad.. ok well kind of...but not really sad. The only thing that's bothering me is this burning in my chest. No matter what I do, or tell myself, I can't get it to go away. I don't think my mind is doing a very good job communicating things to my heart. My heart is still longing for something.. hoping something is going to happen, when my mind already knows it's not. 

Story of my life.. haha

But it's whatever. I know I'll move on quick. It's just a matter of getting my stupid heart to stop hurting...