Death Came and Got Me

...
I can't

I can't stop crying.

Every day I'm so afraid of dying.

But death already came and got me

'cause I'm not living anyway.

And who am I supposed to be?

Everybody seems to see except for me.

Who cares anyway.

'Cause when it's over it's all over

and what you gain you throw away.

When will love ever find me?

All my life all I have craved is to be seen.

Who cares anyway?

'Cause when it's over all that matters

is the love you gave away.

       

...

 

Broken.

I felt alone.

More alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.

I had loved.

Loved someone who, for pure selfish reasons, "loved" me.

Someone who saw a naive girl and decided she was an easy target.

Someone who I had thought I could trust.

But you never know someone's true intentions until it's too late,

and you're hurt.

More hurt than ever before.

More scared,

and confused,

and upset than you have ever been.

 

I didn't feel whole anymore,

because I wasn't.

A part of me was gone

and I did everything I could to try and fill the void.

But after you feel like this,

it's a hard feeling to get rid of.

You sit home alone at night

contemplating the reasons why it might have happened.

and wondering why you're even here,

and if you can continue on,

and if you'll ever be ok again.

 

So there I was,

alone,

and scared,

and broken.

 

And two years later,

I'm still alone.

I'm still scared.

I'm still broken.

I'm still searching for something to fill the void.

Still wondering if I'll be ok.

Still hoping there is something better to come.

Burning.

This burning in my chest is becoming far too much.

With each silent breath, I'm slowing slipping away.

I can't hold on to this lost hope for much longer.

My will is fading.

I can only hold on for so long before it all crumbles down.

Before I finally realize that I have to give up.

Face the facts.

Come to the realization that maybe it wasn't meant for me.

Maybe I'm bound for something different.

But I can't give up.

I don't want to give up.

My burning heart is burning for this, and this alone.

This is what I want.

This is what I need.

This is what I'm hoping for.

Please.  

    

 

 

  

Enough.

I've realized I try too hard so people will like me.

I base my happiness upon the feelings of others.

I would bend over backwards just for a simple "hello" or "good to see you"

I never feel like I'm enough.

Just when I start believing I deserve more, it seems my hopes are torn by someone close to me.

That, in turn, makes me more insecure.

More vunerable.

My self worth decreases

and I feel alone.

All because of one, simple-minded, thoughtless person.

And I'm back to square one.

Trying to be better,

but feeling like I can never succeed.

 

I need to re-train my brain.

I need to know that I can be great.

I have the power to make me happy.

Who cares about the people that are rude

or cruel

or heartless?

I shouldn't.

I am me.

And if it isn't enough for anyone else,

that shouldn't matter.

All that matters is that,

no matter how many times I'm told differently,

it doesn't change the fact that I most certainly am...

enough.

 

 

Gone.

Every second that passes

is one second closer to the end.

I can feel it.

I can taste it.

It's closing in on me like the ominous rain clouds above.

and, I know.

Somehow, I know that this is it.

That this is forever.

Eternity is falling like soft drops of rain from the sky.

And here I am, waiting to be taken.

Waiting to escape.

So I close my eyes,

and give in to the cool drops

of unforgiving rain.

Slowly slipping into a never ending coma of silence.

I am gone.

I am happy.

Not that I remember.

I'm here.

I'm alive.

I'm breathing.

But slowly, I'm sinking into the depths of the unknown.

I'm losing myself.

Losing who I used to be.

I'm forgetting who I was.

Who I wanted to be.

Who I am.

Who am I?

I don't know anymore.

One second I was here, 

and the next,

I was gone.

Now I'm traveling down a dark path

headed towards something I'm sure I don't want.

But I keep trying to convince myself I do.

I want to be different.

I want to stand out.

But like this?

No.

Not like this.

I liked who I was.

I liked who I wanted to become.

But this?

This isn't me.

This is not the me that I remember.

I don't care.

Day after endless day I am left hoping that you're going to change

when really, it's me that needs to change.

Why am I hoping for something that I can't fix?

Why don't I just take control and solve the problem myself?

Because I can't.

I can't do it.

I don't have the guts.

I don't have the strength.

I don't have the will.

I don't have the energy to fight about it.

Frankly, I'd rather give up than make a scene.

I'd rather keep the peace than cause a problem.

I'd rather endure the harsh silence.

So, that's fine.

Leave me be.

Try to hurt me.

I don't care.

Because I know in my heart of hearts that,

if this is how you're going to handle things,

It wasn't worth my time in the first place.

What if I told you?

What if I told you

who I really was?

What if I let you in

on my charade?

What if I told you

what was really going on?

No more masks and no more parts to play.

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

every little secret that I hide behind.

Would you see me differently?

Would that be such a bad thing?

I wonder what it would be like...if I told you.

What if I told you that it's just a front

to hide the insecurities I have.

What if I told you that I'm not as strong

as I like to make believe I am.

What if I told you? 

 

      

I want to be sad.

In my head, I know I'll be ok,

but my heart is saying something different.

It aches for promise.

It aches for hope.

It longs for forgiveness.

And sad song after sad song can't make me feel whole again.

But yet, I continue to listen.

I'm longing for the sad.

I can't let it go.

Because as much as I want to be happy,

I want to be sad more. 
Being sad makes me remember that there is something to be sad about.
Someone to be upset over.
Something to mourn.
Something special.
Something important.
And even though it's gone,
I'll always remember it
through the swift,
silent,
heart-wrenching sadness.

Only child.

I've never had a problem with being an only child. 

I figure, that's how it was supposed to be, so that's how it turned out.

But tonight, I find myself wishing I had a sister or a brother.

Someone that I could turn to so I didn't feel so helplessly alone.

What would that feel like to have someone like that?

Someone with the same parents..

Someone who grew up the same as I did.

Someone who understood.

To the two siblings I lost, I love you, and I wish you were here.

Knowing you would have made my life that much better.

Still waiting....

I'm still waiting for that moment.

The moment I feel like I'm ok.

The moment everything is back to normal.

The moment when I finally feel like I can count on other people.

But it still hasn't come.

And I'm left, sitting here, wondering, is this it?

Is this how life is going to be?

Am I going to constantly be hoping for something more?

I need some comfort.

Some compassion.

Some love.

Some hope.

Something to believe in.

Someone to believe in.

I need a friend.

and the more I hope for one, the further away it seems to be.

I honestly don't know what happened.

I used to have it all, or so it seemed.

I used to be happy.

and then, I lost you.

and then I lost him.

and then I lost myself.

I can't seem to get it back.

I can't seem to find that happy place again.

The place where I looked forward to every single day of life.

The place where I had those that I could count on, no matter what.

The place where I wasn't alone.

So here I am.

Begging and pleading that the rest of my life isn't like this.

Because, I'm tired.

Tired of being alone.

Tired of trying so hard.

Tired of being forgotten.

I'm tired of the silence.

Stranger.

There was someone that I once knew.

I don't know that person anymore.

They changed, and I changed.

We are two completely different people.

Two strangers with memories.

 

Fall.

I can't shake this feeling.

I'm sitting here, perfectly content,

but my eyes are filled with softly forming tears.

My heart aches.

It burns inside my chest.

And I realize why.

It's the weather.

It's the chill of the cold outside.

In a strange way, I love this time of year because of the way it makes me feel.

Sad, heartbroken, lost, helpless, and scared.

But I love in nonetheless.

Something.Someone.

So...I tried to keep myself busy all day.

Distract myself from what was really happening. 

And I felt ok.

Why would it bother me now?
It's been so long.

Almost a lifetime.

And now that I'm home, sitting here completely alone,

it hit me.

I saw the pictures.

The way you were looking at her.

And I remember when that's how you looked at me.

I remember the words that were written.

The things that were said.

All of the memories.

Your carefree attitude towards life.

My hope of wanting something more.

It all flooded back.

And I can't shake this feeling.

I don't want it to mean anything.

I don't think of you and miss you at all.

Not in the least bit.

I think I moreso miss the feeling.

The little hint of promise that existed.

I miss having something to look forward to.

I miss having someone to look forward to.

 

So I'm going to be honest..

Tonight I'm going to bed sad, despite my efforts to stay positive.

 I wish so unbearably much that I felt nothing.

 

Today is the day.

Congratulations.

 I'm glad that one of us is happy.

 I'm glad that the decisions made worked out for you.

I'm SO glad you weren't left in the dust.

That you weren't lied to, cheated, and hurt more than you ever thought you would be.

So, congratulations.

I wish you the best. 

 

 

I wanted more.

And then I realized...I wanted more.

More than just plain normal.

More than "settling" for what I had.

More than giving up because achieving the best was too hard.

I wanted to be extraordinary.

I wanted to actually live and breath and love.

I wanted to be happy, because happy was the only option.

and because life is short.

and friends last, but not always for long.

and you're constantly going to be disappointed anyway.

So why take it all so personally?

And give up?

Because this is life.

and if this is it,

what's the point of being miserable?

 You might as well enjoy it while you can.

I wish I was stronger.

"I wish it had been easier,

Instead of any longer.

I wish that I could have stood,

where you would have been proud.

That won't happen now.

That won't happen now."

Consider it.

Six words.

Six words and I'm feeling it all over again.

I'm catapulted back to a time where reality was actually just a dream

 and I'm stuck screaming inside my head for sweet release. 

I thought I knew you.

I thought I knew myself.

But people grow

and change

and end up leaving you behind in the dust.

Six words.

Six words was all it took.

"No, no. It's cool. consider it."

To be happy.....

I am not who I wanted to be.

I have become the person I so strongly dispise.

I am a self-loathing,

heartbroken,

undeserving

piece of trash.

At least, that's how I see myself.

And every second of every day is spent wishing that I was different.

Wishing that I wasn't a failure.

Wishing that I was stronger.

I have dreams and aspirations.

Too many dreams, perhaps.

Too many hopes to be good at too much.

But who is to say when enough is enough?

So I dream, and I hope, and I work, and I fail.

But sometimes, very rarely, I succeed.

But the most important hope,

the most important aspiration,

the most important CHOICE,

I fail at, time and time again.

I promise myself it's over.

I promise myself I'm going to be strong.

I'm going to dream.

I'm going to hope.

I'm going to believe.

I'm going to succeed.

I'm going to be happy.

 

 

Who am I?

Sometimes i wonder who I am.

I often feel like I'm a stranger living in this body.

It almost feels like I'm disconnected in a sense.

Like, I'm watching someone live FOR me, yet, here I am.

But I have to ask,

How can I not know myself?

How can I be me but wonder who I am all at the same time?

 

 

Stranger.

What is it?

PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me.

I would rather know than sit here and wonder.

I hate that I feel like you're mad.

It makes me mad at myself.

The more I wish my life wasn't based upon you, the more unhappy I become with the realization that it is.

I wish I could be my own person.

But the truth is, in my own desperation, I chose you to lean on.

Did I know you? 

Not really.

Do I know you?

Not really.

 So why am I basing my happiness off of someone who is basically a stranger?

 

Maybe someday?

I've tried to stop, tried to move on...

but the want outweighs the will.

 

How can I change this?

Will it ever be what I want it to be?

 

I'm stuck here and I can't get out, so help me move forward?

At least then I'd feel better about the last 8 months of my life. 

You lose, again.

And here it comes.

This is it.

A fatal blow to the chest.

A blow so strong, so powerful, that breathing isn't even an option anymore.

You're powerless.

You're helpless.

You're emotionless.

You've given up.

You can try and try to help yourself.

Try to do things that will benefit you.

But people are cruel.

And in the end, you lose, again.

So don't get up.

Don't breathe.

Just stay where you are.

Hidden.

Sad.

Alone.

Wrong.

How did it get to this point?

I'll come right out and say it, I'm not happy.

You might think I am. I might act like I am. But in all honestly, I'm not.

If I had to label myself, I think I would say I'm the people pleaser.

I HATE conflict and I'd rather see other happy, so, a lot of the time, I just give in.

I end up not doing what I want for the sake of others.

Usually this works out just fine for me. 

Everyone is happy in the end, right?

WRONG.

Who isn't happy? ME. I'm not happy.

I try and try and try to tell myself everything is ok. To convince myself that happiness will eventually weave it's way back into my life, but it just doesn't ever come.

And there I am, the same person I've always been.

The same person I will always be.

The person I'm trying so desperately to change.