Nights Like Tonight...

I hate nights like tonight.

Nights where I feel so incredibly lonely.

Nights where I break down into tears because, looking at life, I'm not where I want to be.

There was a time when I thought I had it all. I felt like things couldn't have gotten any better.

How quickly that changed.

Now I'm stuck sitting on the sidelines..watching my life pass me by. 

The more I try to change things, the more I come to realize just how much I wish things had turned out differently. How much I wish things had gone how I wanted them to, for once.

So here I sit, alone, in a house made for two, listening to the rain pour outside. 

If this is the hand I was dealt, please deal me a new one because, frankly, this one sucks.

Absolutely Nothing..

Here goes nothing.

I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm upset. 

It makes me nauseous to even think about it anymore.

My eyes are constantly filled with tears of pure disappointment.

Every second of every day I tear through the piles of memories, hoping and wishing I didn't care as much as I did. As much as I do...

I feel like I'm the foolish one.

Like I'm the idiot who believed in something bigger than what really was.

And as almost every part of me is telling me to let it go, my heart won't. It can't. 

I'm stuck holding on to absolutely nothing.

If It Means A Lot To You...

If it meant a lot to you...

It wouldn't have been so easy to give away.

It wouldn't have been so simple to give up.

Frankly, it probably wouldn't be over.

I'm so tired of being sad, so I'm just not going to be sad anymore.

But, somehow, I have to try and understand the reason I can't just let it go?

Because, I don't see where it went so terribly wrong.

Because I don't think I deserve the silence.

Because, it meant A LOT to me.

Isn't it Better?

I often find myself alone. 

 This isn't something new, I've always preferred the silence. 

During these times I seem to crave expression. 

I have the urge to draw. 

I have the urge to play. 

I have the urge to write.

I can't seem to handle being alone without somehow outwardly expressing myself. 

And so, day by countless day, when I find myself alone, I can't help but wonder, is this it?

Is it just going to be me?

Am I going to grow old with a pencil in hand and paintbrush in the other?

I never said I liked to be alone. I said I preferred the silence. 

But isn't everything, even silence, better when there's someone there to share it with?

I want to be....

I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of repeatedly saying, "I'm ok," when really, I'm not. I'm tired of listening to sad songs and wishing that somehow they would help me feel a little bit better.

I'm so sick of putting my heart and soul into something to turn around and watch everything come crashing down on top of me. 

I want to feel like I'm on top of the world.

I want to hold my head up high, not because I feel like I have to trick people into thinking I'm happy, but because I actually am.

I want to get dressed up to go out and have a great time.

I don't want to always have that thought in the back of my mind or that feeling deep in my heart that I've always had. The one I've come to know so well. The feeling that, I'm not good enough.

And that's all I really want. I want to be good enough. I want to stop hiding behind the fake smiles and the forced laughs. I want to be confident. I want to beautiful. I want to be...happy.

Let Me Be Myself...

It's 2012. How did I start off the new year?

Feeling like a complete idiot...

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of personality disorder or something.

I get nervous. Nervous to the point where my brain stops functioning.  I become this anti-social mess who looks like she doesn't even have any personality at all.  I hate that this happens to me.

I grew up so painfully shy. It's something I've worked on for as long as I can remember. For the most part, I have it under control. Then comes along certain situations where.. I guess I just can't handle it. 

I get weird. I swear people around me must think I'm either crazy, bored, or too stuck up to talk to them. And no matter how hard I try, once it happens, I can't make it stop. I can't get myself to talk. I can't get myself to say anything. I can't turn on the witty, sarcastic personality I normally have. 

So I sit in the corner and watch everyone else have a good time while, in my mind, I'm searching for a way to release myself from this box I'm trapped in. 

I guess I just have to work at it harder because, I absolutely, 100% hate the fact that this happens. 

So, as I strive to make many changes this year, I'm confident that one of them HAS to happen. I can no longer continue to live in this socially awkward box when I am put into certain situations. 

This year, I need to learn how to be myself and be comfortable with it, in any situation. 

Here goes nothin....

Tangled up in you. :)

You're my world.

The shelter from the rain.

You're the pills,

that take away my pain.

You're the light, that helps me find my way.

You're the words when I have nothing to say.

And in this world where nothing else is true.

Here I am, still tangled up in you.

I'm still tangled up in you.

Still tangled up in you.

You're the fire,

that warms me when I'm cold.

You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old.

You're the shore when I am lost at sea.

You're the only thing that I like about me.

And in this world where nothing else is true.

Here I am, still tangled up in you.

I'm still tangled up in you.

How long has it been since this story line began? 

And I hope it never ends and goes like this forever.

In this world where nothing else is true.

Here I am, still tangled up in you.

I'm still tangled up in you.

Still tangled up in you.