If Only for a Moment...

I've only truly loved once.

I wish I could say my life has been full of love

and relationships

and random spontaneous moments. 

But it hasn't been.

There has only been one person I've ever truly loved,

and I loved him for reasons unknown to me.

I can remember small, insignificant details of when we were together.

The way he laughed when I said something dumb.

The way he walked toward me when we were seeing each other for the first time in a while.

The way his voice got soft when I told him I couldn't love him,

even though, deep in my heart, I knew I already did.

I still, to this day wonder what might have been.

I sit alone painfully wishing I could go back,

if only for a moment.

 

Best Friend.

Why are friends so few and far between?

Why can't I go back to having a best friend?

The kind of friend that wants to do everything with you

and would do anything for you.

The kind of friend that would go out of their way to make you happy.

The kind of friend you can count on for anything.

I miss having that.

I miss having someone to turn to.

I miss not feeling alone all the time.

 

Lost...

I honestly don't know who I am anymore.

Or what I'm even doing here.

I'm constantly hoping that, if I keep my chin up, everything will turn out ok.

That all the things I'm working so hard for will just roll along.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy again.

But the clock keeps ticking away.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

My life passes me by.

And all I'm doing is sitting here hoping and praying that I can find happiness and joy in life again someday.

But it doesn't seem to come.

So I continue to pretend that I'm ok.

I pretend that I'm happy

and that life is good

and that I don't cry myself to sleep every night because I'm disappointing myself more than I could ever dream of.

I just keep pretending.

Day after day.

Year after year.

But, when will my life be mine?

When will I be able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm truly happy?

I guess in the mess of it all,

I just forgot how to be myself. 

And now, I'm so far lost... I don't know if I can ever get me back.