Gone.

Every second that passes

is one second closer to the end.

I can feel it.

I can taste it.

It's closing in on me like the ominous rain clouds above.

and, I know.

Somehow, I know that this is it.

That this is forever.

Eternity is falling like soft drops of rain from the sky.

And here I am, waiting to be taken.

Waiting to escape.

So I close my eyes,

and give in to the cool drops

of unforgiving rain.

Slowly slipping into a never ending coma of silence.

I am gone.

I am happy.

Not that I remember.

I'm here.

I'm alive.

I'm breathing.

But slowly, I'm sinking into the depths of the unknown.

I'm losing myself.

Losing who I used to be.

I'm forgetting who I was.

Who I wanted to be.

Who I am.

Who am I?

I don't know anymore.

One second I was here, 

and the next,

I was gone.

Now I'm traveling down a dark path

headed towards something I'm sure I don't want.

But I keep trying to convince myself I do.

I want to be different.

I want to stand out.

But like this?

No.

Not like this.

I liked who I was.

I liked who I wanted to become.

But this?

This isn't me.

This is not the me that I remember.

I don't care.

Day after endless day I am left hoping that you're going to change

when really, it's me that needs to change.

Why am I hoping for something that I can't fix?

Why don't I just take control and solve the problem myself?

Because I can't.

I can't do it.

I don't have the guts.

I don't have the strength.

I don't have the will.

I don't have the energy to fight about it.

Frankly, I'd rather give up than make a scene.

I'd rather keep the peace than cause a problem.

I'd rather endure the harsh silence.

So, that's fine.

Leave me be.

Try to hurt me.

I don't care.

Because I know in my heart of hearts that,

if this is how you're going to handle things,

It wasn't worth my time in the first place.

What if I told you?

What if I told you

who I really was?

What if I let you in

on my charade?

What if I told you

what was really going on?

No more masks and no more parts to play.

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

every little secret that I hide behind.

Would you see me differently?

Would that be such a bad thing?

I wonder what it would be like...if I told you.

What if I told you that it's just a front

to hide the insecurities I have.

What if I told you that I'm not as strong

as I like to make believe I am.

What if I told you? 

 

      

I want to be sad.

In my head, I know I'll be ok,

but my heart is saying something different.

It aches for promise.

It aches for hope.

It longs for forgiveness.

And sad song after sad song can't make me feel whole again.

But yet, I continue to listen.

I'm longing for the sad.

I can't let it go.

Because as much as I want to be happy,

I want to be sad more. 
Being sad makes me remember that there is something to be sad about.
Someone to be upset over.
Something to mourn.
Something special.
Something important.
And even though it's gone,
I'll always remember it
through the swift,
silent,
heart-wrenching sadness.

Only child.

I've never had a problem with being an only child. 

I figure, that's how it was supposed to be, so that's how it turned out.

But tonight, I find myself wishing I had a sister or a brother.

Someone that I could turn to so I didn't feel so helplessly alone.

What would that feel like to have someone like that?

Someone with the same parents..

Someone who grew up the same as I did.

Someone who understood.

To the two siblings I lost, I love you, and I wish you were here.

Knowing you would have made my life that much better.

Still waiting....

I'm still waiting for that moment.

The moment I feel like I'm ok.

The moment everything is back to normal.

The moment when I finally feel like I can count on other people.

But it still hasn't come.

And I'm left, sitting here, wondering, is this it?

Is this how life is going to be?

Am I going to constantly be hoping for something more?

I need some comfort.

Some compassion.

Some love.

Some hope.

Something to believe in.

Someone to believe in.

I need a friend.

and the more I hope for one, the further away it seems to be.

I honestly don't know what happened.

I used to have it all, or so it seemed.

I used to be happy.

and then, I lost you.

and then I lost him.

and then I lost myself.

I can't seem to get it back.

I can't seem to find that happy place again.

The place where I looked forward to every single day of life.

The place where I had those that I could count on, no matter what.

The place where I wasn't alone.

So here I am.

Begging and pleading that the rest of my life isn't like this.

Because, I'm tired.

Tired of being alone.

Tired of trying so hard.

Tired of being forgotten.

I'm tired of the silence.

Stranger.

There was someone that I once knew.

I don't know that person anymore.

They changed, and I changed.

We are two completely different people.

Two strangers with memories.

 

Fall.

I can't shake this feeling.

I'm sitting here, perfectly content,

but my eyes are filled with softly forming tears.

My heart aches.

It burns inside my chest.

And I realize why.

It's the weather.

It's the chill of the cold outside.

In a strange way, I love this time of year because of the way it makes me feel.

Sad, heartbroken, lost, helpless, and scared.

But I love in nonetheless.

Something.Someone.

So...I tried to keep myself busy all day.

Distract myself from what was really happening. 

And I felt ok.

Why would it bother me now?
It's been so long.

Almost a lifetime.

And now that I'm home, sitting here completely alone,

it hit me.

I saw the pictures.

The way you were looking at her.

And I remember when that's how you looked at me.

I remember the words that were written.

The things that were said.

All of the memories.

Your carefree attitude towards life.

My hope of wanting something more.

It all flooded back.

And I can't shake this feeling.

I don't want it to mean anything.

I don't think of you and miss you at all.

Not in the least bit.

I think I moreso miss the feeling.

The little hint of promise that existed.

I miss having something to look forward to.

I miss having someone to look forward to.

 

So I'm going to be honest..

Tonight I'm going to bed sad, despite my efforts to stay positive.

 I wish so unbearably much that I felt nothing.

 

Today is the day.

Congratulations.

 I'm glad that one of us is happy.

 I'm glad that the decisions made worked out for you.

I'm SO glad you weren't left in the dust.

That you weren't lied to, cheated, and hurt more than you ever thought you would be.

So, congratulations.

I wish you the best. 

 

 

I wanted more.

And then I realized...I wanted more.

More than just plain normal.

More than "settling" for what I had.

More than giving up because achieving the best was too hard.

I wanted to be extraordinary.

I wanted to actually live and breath and love.

I wanted to be happy, because happy was the only option.

and because life is short.

and friends last, but not always for long.

and you're constantly going to be disappointed anyway.

So why take it all so personally?

And give up?

Because this is life.

and if this is it,

what's the point of being miserable?

 You might as well enjoy it while you can.

I wish I was stronger.

"I wish it had been easier,

Instead of any longer.

I wish that I could have stood,

where you would have been proud.

That won't happen now.

That won't happen now."