Maybe someday?

I've tried to stop, tried to move on...

but the want outweighs the will.

 

How can I change this?

Will it ever be what I want it to be?

 

I'm stuck here and I can't get out, so help me move forward?

At least then I'd feel better about the last 8 months of my life. 

You lose, again.

And here it comes.

This is it.

A fatal blow to the chest.

A blow so strong, so powerful, that breathing isn't even an option anymore.

You're powerless.

You're helpless.

You're emotionless.

You've given up.

You can try and try to help yourself.

Try to do things that will benefit you.

But people are cruel.

And in the end, you lose, again.

So don't get up.

Don't breathe.

Just stay where you are.

Hidden.

Sad.

Alone.

Wrong.

How did it get to this point?

I'll come right out and say it, I'm not happy.

You might think I am. I might act like I am. But in all honestly, I'm not.

If I had to label myself, I think I would say I'm the people pleaser.

I HATE conflict and I'd rather see other happy, so, a lot of the time, I just give in.

I end up not doing what I want for the sake of others.

Usually this works out just fine for me. 

Everyone is happy in the end, right?

WRONG.

Who isn't happy? ME. I'm not happy.

I try and try and try to tell myself everything is ok. To convince myself that happiness will eventually weave it's way back into my life, but it just doesn't ever come.

And there I am, the same person I've always been.

The same person I will always be.

The person I'm trying so desperately to change.

  

Eventually.

Sometimes I forget to breathe.

I just get so overwhelmed that in the moment, breathing isn't even the most important thing.

And it makes me wonder...

What if I just stopped breathing all together?

What if I were to take my last breath right now.

Just let it all go. The worry, the pain, the stress, the anger, the heartache.

Everything.

 But it's not worth it.

Because every day is a battle.

And even though some days are harder than others, I know it will get easier, eventually.