If It Means A Lot To You...

If it meant a lot to you...

It wouldn't have been so easy to give away.

It wouldn't have been so simple to give up.

Frankly, it probably wouldn't be over.

I'm so tired of being sad, so I'm just not going to be sad anymore.

But, somehow, I have to try and understand the reason I can't just let it go?

Because, I don't see where it went so terribly wrong.

Because I don't think I deserve the silence.

Because, it meant A LOT to me.

Isn't it Better?

I often find myself alone. 

 This isn't something new, I've always preferred the silence. 

During these times I seem to crave expression. 

I have the urge to draw. 

I have the urge to play. 

I have the urge to write.

I can't seem to handle being alone without somehow outwardly expressing myself. 

And so, day by countless day, when I find myself alone, I can't help but wonder, is this it?

Is it just going to be me?

Am I going to grow old with a pencil in hand and paintbrush in the other?

I never said I liked to be alone. I said I preferred the silence. 

But isn't everything, even silence, better when there's someone there to share it with?

I want to be....

I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of repeatedly saying, "I'm ok," when really, I'm not. I'm tired of listening to sad songs and wishing that somehow they would help me feel a little bit better.

I'm so sick of putting my heart and soul into something to turn around and watch everything come crashing down on top of me. 

I want to feel like I'm on top of the world.

I want to hold my head up high, not because I feel like I have to trick people into thinking I'm happy, but because I actually am.

I want to get dressed up to go out and have a great time.

I don't want to always have that thought in the back of my mind or that feeling deep in my heart that I've always had. The one I've come to know so well. The feeling that, I'm not good enough.

And that's all I really want. I want to be good enough. I want to stop hiding behind the fake smiles and the forced laughs. I want to be confident. I want to beautiful. I want to be...happy.