Consider it.

Six words.

Six words and I'm feeling it all over again.

I'm catapulted back to a time where reality was actually just a dream

 and I'm stuck screaming inside my head for sweet release. 

I thought I knew you.

I thought I knew myself.

But people grow

and change

and end up leaving you behind in the dust.

Six words.

Six words was all it took.

"No, no. It's cool. consider it."

To be happy.....

I am not who I wanted to be.

I have become the person I so strongly dispise.

I am a self-loathing,

heartbroken,

undeserving

piece of trash.

At least, that's how I see myself.

And every second of every day is spent wishing that I was different.

Wishing that I wasn't a failure.

Wishing that I was stronger.

I have dreams and aspirations.

Too many dreams, perhaps.

Too many hopes to be good at too much.

But who is to say when enough is enough?

So I dream, and I hope, and I work, and I fail.

But sometimes, very rarely, I succeed.

But the most important hope,

the most important aspiration,

the most important CHOICE,

I fail at, time and time again.

I promise myself it's over.

I promise myself I'm going to be strong.

I'm going to dream.

I'm going to hope.

I'm going to believe.

I'm going to succeed.

I'm going to be happy.

 

 

Who am I?

Sometimes i wonder who I am.

I often feel like I'm a stranger living in this body.

It almost feels like I'm disconnected in a sense.

Like, I'm watching someone live FOR me, yet, here I am.

But I have to ask,

How can I not know myself?

How can I be me but wonder who I am all at the same time?

 

 

Stranger.

What is it?

PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me.

I would rather know than sit here and wonder.

I hate that I feel like you're mad.

It makes me mad at myself.

The more I wish my life wasn't based upon you, the more unhappy I become with the realization that it is.

I wish I could be my own person.

But the truth is, in my own desperation, I chose you to lean on.

Did I know you? 

Not really.

Do I know you?

Not really.

 So why am I basing my happiness off of someone who is basically a stranger?

 

Maybe someday?

I've tried to stop, tried to move on...

but the want outweighs the will.

 

How can I change this?

Will it ever be what I want it to be?

 

I'm stuck here and I can't get out, so help me move forward?

At least then I'd feel better about the last 8 months of my life. 

You lose, again.

And here it comes.

This is it.

A fatal blow to the chest.

A blow so strong, so powerful, that breathing isn't even an option anymore.

You're powerless.

You're helpless.

You're emotionless.

You've given up.

You can try and try to help yourself.

Try to do things that will benefit you.

But people are cruel.

And in the end, you lose, again.

So don't get up.

Don't breathe.

Just stay where you are.

Hidden.

Sad.

Alone.

Wrong.

How did it get to this point?

I'll come right out and say it, I'm not happy.

You might think I am. I might act like I am. But in all honestly, I'm not.

If I had to label myself, I think I would say I'm the people pleaser.

I HATE conflict and I'd rather see other happy, so, a lot of the time, I just give in.

I end up not doing what I want for the sake of others.

Usually this works out just fine for me. 

Everyone is happy in the end, right?

WRONG.

Who isn't happy? ME. I'm not happy.

I try and try and try to tell myself everything is ok. To convince myself that happiness will eventually weave it's way back into my life, but it just doesn't ever come.

And there I am, the same person I've always been.

The same person I will always be.

The person I'm trying so desperately to change.