Life.

I'm scared.

Scared that one day I'm going to end up looking back at my life and wish I would have taken more chances,

Or maybe I'll wish I wouldn't have taken as many chances.

Scared that I'm not going to be happy with the person I'll be

Or have been

Or was.

We live life in the present

but we don't understand it until it has passed

 I look back and wonder why I did certain things.

What filled me with complete and utter stupidity.

But I also look back and wish I would have done more.

I wish I would have cared more

loved more

hoped for more

and tried harder.

I guess that's just how it all works.

No one is perfect.

I'm not going to follow through with everything I hope to do

and I'm going to do things I regret.

That's life.
Crazy, beautiful, unpredictable,

life.

Past.

My memories are haunting.

I almost feel like those years of my life are not my own.

Like I'm simply remembering someone else's experiences.

Every time I think about it

I think, "That couldn't have possibly happened to me."

But the thing is, it did.

It did happen to me.

These memories?

They are mine.

No matter how much I try to forget.

Or how hard I wish they weren't there.

Each event is a part of my past.

 

 

Happiness, Love, Accomplishment, Success.

Who knew the memory could be so faint?

That the existence of us seems so unbelievably small

it's like it never happened.

And here I am, exactly one year later.

Looking back on the distant memory of "what might have been."

I can assure you one thing...

I want this year to be different.

I want to live a year full of accomplishment

a year with no regrets

a year of happiness.

This is a year for me and me alone.

I want to be a better me,

a happier me,

a stronger me.

I don't want my thoughts and feelings to weigh so heavily upon the judgments of others.

I don't want to wish for something that I thought I wanted.

I'm not going to hold back

or cower away from something I want because it scares me.

I'm going to go after it

so that I can look back and think

"Yes, I did that."

and that's that.

That's how it's going to be.

No excuses.

No regrets.

Just happiness, love, accomplishment, and success. 

 

 

Death Came and Got Me

...
I can't

I can't stop crying.

Every day I'm so afraid of dying.

But death already came and got me

'cause I'm not living anyway.

And who am I supposed to be?

Everybody seems to see except for me.

Who cares anyway.

'Cause when it's over it's all over

and what you gain you throw away.

When will love ever find me?

All my life all I have craved is to be seen.

Who cares anyway?

'Cause when it's over all that matters

is the love you gave away.

       

...

 

Broken.

I felt alone.

More alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.

I had loved.

Loved someone who, for pure selfish reasons, "loved" me.

Someone who saw a naive girl and decided she was an easy target.

Someone who I had thought I could trust.

But you never know someone's true intentions until it's too late,

and you're hurt.

More hurt than ever before.

More scared,

and confused,

and upset than you have ever been.

 

I didn't feel whole anymore,

because I wasn't.

A part of me was gone

and I did everything I could to try and fill the void.

But after you feel like this,

it's a hard feeling to get rid of.

You sit home alone at night

contemplating the reasons why it might have happened.

and wondering why you're even here,

and if you can continue on,

and if you'll ever be ok again.

 

So there I was,

alone,

and scared,

and broken.

 

And two years later,

I'm still alone.

I'm still scared.

I'm still broken.

I'm still searching for something to fill the void.

Still wondering if I'll be ok.

Still hoping there is something better to come.

Burning.

This burning in my chest is becoming far too much.

With each silent breath, I'm slowing slipping away.

I can't hold on to this lost hope for much longer.

My will is fading.

I can only hold on for so long before it all crumbles down.

Before I finally realize that I have to give up.

Face the facts.

Come to the realization that maybe it wasn't meant for me.

Maybe I'm bound for something different.

But I can't give up.

I don't want to give up.

My burning heart is burning for this, and this alone.

This is what I want.

This is what I need.

This is what I'm hoping for.

Please.  

    

 

 

  

Enough.

I've realized I try too hard so people will like me.

I base my happiness upon the feelings of others.

I would bend over backwards just for a simple "hello" or "good to see you"

I never feel like I'm enough.

Just when I start believing I deserve more, it seems my hopes are torn by someone close to me.

That, in turn, makes me more insecure.

More vunerable.

My self worth decreases

and I feel alone.

All because of one, simple-minded, thoughtless person.

And I'm back to square one.

Trying to be better,

but feeling like I can never succeed.

 

I need to re-train my brain.

I need to know that I can be great.

I have the power to make me happy.

Who cares about the people that are rude

or cruel

or heartless?

I shouldn't.

I am me.

And if it isn't enough for anyone else,

that shouldn't matter.

All that matters is that,

no matter how many times I'm told differently,

it doesn't change the fact that I most certainly am...

enough.