Stranger.

What is it?

PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me.

I would rather know than sit here and wonder.

I hate that I feel like you're mad.

It makes me mad at myself.

The more I wish my life wasn't based upon you, the more unhappy I become with the realization that it is.

I wish I could be my own person.

But the truth is, in my own desperation, I chose you to lean on.

Did I know you? 

Not really.

Do I know you?

Not really.

 So why am I basing my happiness off of someone who is basically a stranger?

 

Maybe someday?

I've tried to stop, tried to move on...

but the want outweighs the will.

 

How can I change this?

Will it ever be what I want it to be?

 

I'm stuck here and I can't get out, so help me move forward?

At least then I'd feel better about the last 8 months of my life. 

You lose, again.

And here it comes.

This is it.

A fatal blow to the chest.

A blow so strong, so powerful, that breathing isn't even an option anymore.

You're powerless.

You're helpless.

You're emotionless.

You've given up.

You can try and try to help yourself.

Try to do things that will benefit you.

But people are cruel.

And in the end, you lose, again.

So don't get up.

Don't breathe.

Just stay where you are.

Hidden.

Sad.

Alone.

Wrong.

How did it get to this point?

I'll come right out and say it, I'm not happy.

You might think I am. I might act like I am. But in all honestly, I'm not.

If I had to label myself, I think I would say I'm the people pleaser.

I HATE conflict and I'd rather see other happy, so, a lot of the time, I just give in.

I end up not doing what I want for the sake of others.

Usually this works out just fine for me. 

Everyone is happy in the end, right?

WRONG.

Who isn't happy? ME. I'm not happy.

I try and try and try to tell myself everything is ok. To convince myself that happiness will eventually weave it's way back into my life, but it just doesn't ever come.

And there I am, the same person I've always been.

The same person I will always be.

The person I'm trying so desperately to change.

  

Eventually.

Sometimes I forget to breathe.

I just get so overwhelmed that in the moment, breathing isn't even the most important thing.

And it makes me wonder...

What if I just stopped breathing all together?

What if I were to take my last breath right now.

Just let it all go. The worry, the pain, the stress, the anger, the heartache.

Everything.

 But it's not worth it.

Because every day is a battle.

And even though some days are harder than others, I know it will get easier, eventually.

To tell you the truth

To tell you the truth, I don't have much to offer. But I'll still give you everything I've got, even if it's barely anything at all. I'll give you late thoughts, long hugs, someone to talk to, someone to care for, someone who will always be there, a hand to hold, somebody to lean on. And if that's not enough, just know you have all of me. I hope that's enough.

Open.

I hate this feeling. 

 This feeling of not knowing. This feeling of wondering what page you're on compared to what page I'm on.

I'm trying here. Trying to be myself. Trying to open up. Trying to be normal.

And for once, it's kind of working. I'm having fun. I'm feeling good. 

So, open up your eyes. Look at ME. See ME. And then maybe we can make this go somewhere.

Because, right now, it seems as if you're eyes are shut, and I don't want tell you it's time to open them.

YOU have to do that on your own.