i feel small.

I feel small.

There is honesty in the face of someone who struggles

But it's hidden beneath a thick layer of "I'm okay"

and "Everything's alright".

Hidden behind an army of little white lies, trying to convince everyone around us that everything is normal.

Sometimes, it's just not.

Sometimes, deep down inside, we wish friends were real friends

and that others cared as much as we care.

We wish things were easier

and every step didn't seem like such a burden.
Break down those layers and you get pure, depressing, sad, honesty.

Today, I feel small.

I am unseen.

--

I make every decision based upon the happiness of others.

But being nice only gets you so far.

and what's left is just a miserable feeling.

If Only for a Moment...

I've only truly loved once.

I wish I could say my life has been full of love

and relationships

and random spontaneous moments. 

But it hasn't been.

There has only been one person I've ever truly loved,

and I loved him for reasons unknown to me.

I can remember small, insignificant details of when we were together.

The way he laughed when I said something dumb.

The way he walked toward me when we were seeing each other for the first time in a while.

The way his voice got soft when I told him I couldn't love him,

even though, deep in my heart, I knew I already did.

I still, to this day wonder what might have been.

I sit alone painfully wishing I could go back,

if only for a moment.

 

Best Friend.

Why are friends so few and far between?

Why can't I go back to having a best friend?

The kind of friend that wants to do everything with you

and would do anything for you.

The kind of friend that would go out of their way to make you happy.

The kind of friend you can count on for anything.

I miss having that.

I miss having someone to turn to.

I miss not feeling alone all the time.

 

Lost...

I honestly don't know who I am anymore.

Or what I'm even doing here.

I'm constantly hoping that, if I keep my chin up, everything will turn out ok.

That all the things I'm working so hard for will just roll along.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy again.

But the clock keeps ticking away.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

My life passes me by.

And all I'm doing is sitting here hoping and praying that I can find happiness and joy in life again someday.

But it doesn't seem to come.

So I continue to pretend that I'm ok.

I pretend that I'm happy

and that life is good

and that I don't cry myself to sleep every night because I'm disappointing myself more than I could ever dream of.

I just keep pretending.

Day after day.

Year after year.

But, when will my life be mine?

When will I be able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm truly happy?

I guess in the mess of it all,

I just forgot how to be myself. 

And now, I'm so far lost... I don't know if I can ever get me back.

To feel wanted.

What do I want?

 

I want to wake up one morning and know that I'm loved

rather than constantly wonder who actually cares.

 

I want to be the one people want to be around.

Not the person who never quite feels accepted.

 

I want to have a family

that loves me

and visits me 

and wants to be around me.

 

I want to be done

with lonely nights at home.

Nights of being scared and depressed and sad. 

 

I want it to end.

All anyone wants

is to feel wanted.

 

 

 

 

I want to feel wanted.

I am myself.

I'm ugly

and dumb.

I'm alone

and awkward

and hated.

I am unsuccessful.

I'm not worth anything.

I should just give up. 
 

Every day.

Every single day

that's what I'm told to believe.

It's almost as if you have to be perfect

to be accepted.

But that's laughable.

Because honestly, who is perfect?

No one.

Not one person on this planet is perfect.

But all of us "ordinary" people are put down

or laughed at

or scrutinized 

because we don't look

or talk

or breathe like the rest of society thinks we should.

I'm sorry I'm not who everyone else wants me to be.

I am myself.

I am unique.

There is no one like me.

and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks,

because that is EXACTLY who I want to be.  

I'm beautiful
and smart.

I'm awkward

and loved.

I am successful.

I'm worth more than I know.

I will never give up.